Only God Knows

As long as I can remember, my adult life has not been straight-forward. There were so many twist and turns...and where I am now, I did not imagine that I would be here, in this experience. Like this.

I suppose life is like that. Unpredictable.

But that's me. And probably, no two lives replicate their journeys. Probably... only God Knows.

Even if two lives replicate their journeys, the two lives would not know of it. So its a no-brainer.

I have no complaints because I taught myself not to complain. I may whinge or sometimes cringe, but really no complaints. I chose to be here. That is to be an adult. To accept what you have chosen in life.

In fact, when you recite the Al-Fatihah, there is a verse that (translation cut and paste) says:

6. Show us the straight way,

7. The way of those on whom Thou hast bestowed Thy Grace, those whose (portion) is not wrath, and who go not astray.

We recite this verse over and over again in all our prayer times. Have we asked ourselves "what is the straight way?" and it says in the verse, that the straight way is "the way of those on whom Thou has bestowed Thy Grace", so the next thought is : who are those that God has bestowed His Grace?

In a way it is a figure of speech. Only God Knows whom He bestowed His Grace. Only God Knows. So this keeps us on our toes. That we be non complacent. That we always seek for continued affirmation, through our actions.

Some things are clearly said in the Quran and some things are figuratively speaking, so that we continue with the seeking. The trial and error of life.

So who are those that God Is most pleased with?

Only God Knows.

Missed being a student

I feel when you finished something major like a PhD, suddenly your student ways stopped. You do not have excuses anymore to be a student, to deal with drafts of work and to stay up late finishing work.

Normally one should be happy to get rid of student days and be looking forward to other things in life. Not me. Most of my life (that was happy) was when I was a student.

The other day, I was seriously thinking of doing another course. Something like Creative Writing or Philosophy. But that takes a couple of years for the former and four years for the latter. When will I do that? If its for a short course over the summer that would be possible, during my sabbatical.

When I was in a student state, I only worried for the present and the immediate steps to ensure my survival. But after, I completed my PhD course, I am suddenly entrusted to think about the future. I became increasingly engaged in the disability movement and efforts of the country via the Council work and the department of architecture. I morphed to that older side of me and grey hairs started to pop out more and more, eye bags became saggier...

Am I concern more about how I look or about having to be this person who has to carry all these "adult" responsibilities? Which is it?

It does not matter, but these jobs that I do, its because there is no one else being able to do them, and its a matter of shouldering it because I must. That's why parents look the way they are when they are entrusted with responsibilities that they have to do and no one else would take care of their kids obviously.

Well...I cannot run away from it, it seems, but I do have choices actually, unlike the parents...

To get there

All that you need is there for you.
In front of you.
Its not a mistake.
Where you are at.
You did not come here by mistake.
Just that you do not know where you are going.
Just now.
Just this moment.
It's all kind of blurry.
It is okay.
Nothing is clear-cut unless we 'will' it.
Sometimes we just have to keep on going, for the sake of getting somewhere.
Just on gut instinct.
Intuition.
Perceived notion.
Quiet intelligence.
Whatever it is to get there.