What I really want

I never publicly tell anyone what I really want.
I have mentioned in another blog that I wanted to be the "best trainer", but you will only believe it when it happens. And it was more of a rallying call to spur me on. However, I do want to be a very good trainer at the very least although it may not be what I really want.

So what do I really want.

Here we go:

Q: Do I want to be the Dean of the faculty? A: No
Q: Do I want to be the VC of U. Malaya? A: No
Q: Do I want to be a famous political blogger? A: No

Hmm...better change the line of questions...

Q: Do I want to be a famous writer? A: Yes. I want to be like Annie Proulx where people adapt your book into movies.

My God...do I really want that? I actually want that, but my writing sucks. Then I will never get it cause I am being so negative. But "they say" that you can get what you want.

(Reflect. Think....)

I want to be a writer. I want it bad.

In England again

I don't know how many times I have checked through the British borders.

The first time I arrived at Heathrow Airport, it was September 1985. I was 23 years old. I dragged my bags to the Victoria train station trying to get the coach to Leicester.
Leicester was home to me for the next two years. But I was not inspired by the town, although I enjoyed the market in the city centre. I frequented London every two weeks and my weekends were filled with laughter and the feelings of closeness with my friends in Shepperd's Bush. I loved London, so I managed to get my Part 1 training year job at Store Street, five minutes walk to the AA School of Architecture. Most evenings were filled with attending lectures at the AA given by, as I recalled Thom Mayne of Morphosis, Hermann Hertzberger, Peter Cook, Zaha Hadid etc. I continued with my RIBA Part 2 education in London at the Polytechnic of North London. My mentor, Steve Lightbody, who was an associate at Rock Townsend when I did my Part 1 gave me insights on how to be a better designer. These times were the best years when I was in London as I was flourishing both spiritually and mentally. I came into 4th year (1st year at North London) with passion and designed like there was no limitation and the lecturers just let me be. I graduated with a distinction although my 5th year was frought with difficulties in the middle of it. I left in 1991 and returned to London to do my masters at UCL in 1995-96. The year that I spent was not that great as I was in transition then, physically and mentally. My mid 30s were not the best years of my life. But I guess it was necessary in the Plan of things to come. Maybe, most of my 30s were spent in Malaysia and only 2 years in England compared to my 6 years when I was in my 20s?

I spent 3 1/2 years in England in my early 40s. This time I decided to go to Salford, near Manchester. I would say that my stay in England this time was at the very least extremely influential when my development as a person eclipsed when I finally came to terms with myself, spiritually, mentally and physically. The year 2005, my 3rd year doing PhD was so eventful in my life, that when I come to think of that year, I was greatly blessed. The breakthrough that I had was tantamount to me fighting my biggest fear and with it came a responsibility that I never thought I would have to do, which I accepted and still am coming to terms with.

England is my spiritual home, my beginning of many things, and I am proud of this surrogate country of mine, for it bore witness to the many milestones in my life.

So here I am in England again, facing another huge challenge. Facing my truth, yet again.

Expectations kills you

It happens every time.
When you have your hopes high.
And when you expects too much.
From other people.
Because expectations kills you.
You cannot expect from other people to fulfill your wants.
They owe you nothing.
If they give anything to you, it is from their hearts.
You cannot force people to live up to your expectations.
You just hope for the best.
And enjoy and be blessed with whatever that is been Given.
Because you don't own anyone.
It's just the way it is.

To be what you want to be

When I was younger, it was difficult to be what I want to be. I had to break down barriers, within myself, my beliefs and my fears. Don't get me wrong. I am a Muslim more now than ever, but it is different now. I don't mimic any more. I do because I want to.

But we must always be grateful. Clean the slate of ourselves now and then. Purify. So that we could be clearer with our goals. We need to be some where we want to be.

The Chance to be Heroes

"Give yourself the chance
to be heroes."

(Rafa Benitez – Half time.
Ataturk Stadium. Istanbul.
25th May 2005)

How many of us give ourselves the chance to be heroes?
To be a hero is to be inspired in the highest level of competition.
Why must we compete?
We compete for ourselves to become better than we are.

To be a hero is to be against all odds. And to show up, stand and fight.

Facing the Truth

I am about to face the truth about my PhD Thesis.
I will just have to be strong and pray to God and submit to whatever that will happen...

Fighting Spirit

Where do our thoughts come from?

The Will of God Created us and with it comes the human being that is us, with thoughts and the will to preserve and move forward and flourish and so on...

Somehow that was nurtured by conditions and parental love.

All matter and spirit come from God and human beings are the best example of perfection of all His creations but somehow also the most flawed.

To be able to be a vessel to be energised and expand oneself somehow needs a progressive element, push, desire, will, something to propel us forward, but actually it is not a something linear but cyclical. Something like pouring and receiving. Emptying and silence and then filled and pregnant... like a life force of beauty...

The fighting spirit is the momentum that spearhead the will and desire to fill in and empty out... the momentum could also be a trigger or impetus.

What is my PhD for?

I asked my mother just now "What is my PhD for?" I asked her because I was not serious in my preparation for my viva. I keep on doing other things. And I think I did a lousy thesis. I was really not confident about my thesis. I needed some strength from somewhere...so I asked my mother.

So my mother said "For your mom and dad." So I cried because I had never been a good daughter to them both and the only thing I got now is to give them this.

My mother added that "Remember when your father had to do his PhD and the difficulties he had. You had no problem, only some glitches here and there. Think about your friends and how they had to cope while juggling with their family and problems." My mother would further elaborate.

But the point was that I am so exhausted about the whole thing. I wanted my mother to remind me why I did the PhD.

I need to get back to the fighting spirit. To defend my thesis. Like I have been harping to my students to do. I have to do the same.

I have to think that I have something to contribute to the body of knowledge and that I had something worthwhile done. And that it was not wasting time, wasting paper and money.

I have to get the fighting spirit back, and that was why I have been this way.

Going through the Motion

I don't like this at all. The feeling of dread and having to face the viva exam. I am beginning to freak out or am feeling rather nervous. I should be studying but I have tons of work to complete or maybe I am making excuses not to study.

I think about this PhD and its importance to me. Somehow it is suppose to be important to my career, but I am not feeling that. I was just so relieved that my supervisor excepted my submission which probably if I pass, have a million corrections for me to do. Probably I will have to take a year to do it, but that is the least of my worry, as I have been doing that all along...editing, correcting, over and over again. That part is fine. What is not fine is my overall state of mind. I feel that I am really tired - mentally. Is it a burn-out? I don't think so as I am constantly with ideas on my work as an architectural educationist. I am tired with tedium and going through the motion. At times I feel to be not motivated. I do things because I have to. I have to scare myself to do things.

Like, as lecturer, I tell myself, "This kid is failing, so I better say something..." or " The Council need some recommendations, I need to say something..."

Like what my student said, "Better said, than done." I am in the business of talking so I have to talk, but sometimes I wish I did not have to talk.

I don't know what I've said

Choices that we could have made
Wasn't thinking from my head
Tell me if I am wrong
Tired of singing the old song

Could it be that I've forgotten
Will you ask me again the question
I was not thinking from my head
I don't know what I have said

Mid life crisis

Mid life crisis does not necessarily happens when you are 50. It is not 100 divide by two. People have got it wrong.

It can happen any time in your life.

A 10 year old kid can have a mid life crisis, but perhaps that would be a mild one because his memory of himself started at 3 and a half...

I am having some sort of a crisis. I am not sure if its mid life, but the symptoms are very much in keeping with the definition of one.

For example, I am asking basic questions about: what am I doing? And, I keep seeing myself when I was 13 and 25, not at this age.

I never actually grew up. I just numbed myself through the pain of having to grow older. I am just holding my breath and breeze through my life, wanting to see everything with fresh eyes again and again.

Finding you

Finding you

Anonymous faces
Looking for the one
How long am I going to be this 13 year old kid
I waited this long because of you
You had to be real
You can never be a fantasy
You had to be some kind of a stranger
Finding you was not easy
Found you when I found me
Finding me was even harder

A Muslim in Malaysia

A muslim in Malaysia could be a foreigner, passing through at the airport's transit lounge and drinking latte at KLCC. I am not one of those. I am a muslim born and raised in Malaysia. I am a Malaysian.

Is there a cause to celebrate being a Malaysian? Perhaps there is, because we are not being bombed by rockets and missiles and I could safely drive around in my car without fear except for those crazy drivers zooming in and out from the left to the right lanes at top speeds.

Yes, I must celebrate immediately by making myself a cup of Cameronian tea (my favourite) savouring each sip before a metaphorical bomb blows up in front of me.

We are living on edge. Every minute of out lives. We take for granted every thing will be hunky dory, safe and sound. We wish not to speculate and live in fear, even if our house is located on a hill-slope as living in fear would paralyse us. We just carry on with our lives hoping for the best.

Malaysians have a devil-may-care attitude, simply because we are tired. Most of us cannot afford to live near our place of work and it is nothing to be driving 40 km back and forth every day to work. We just rushed in and out, making a few bucks along the way. Our quality of life - zilch!

This lamentation is borne out of a curiosity about what is enough in our lives. That question suddenly revealed itself to me. I need a strong conviction if I am to say, "I have enough with my life". Meaning I am satisfied with what I have.

I do not want to compare or justify about things. All I want to say is that I am so very satisfied with my life, until a bomb appear out of no where...are we thankful so far?

Trying not to panic

My viva examination is around the corner, and I have to prepare for it. I will eventually do that and am trying to sort out many other things.

I realised that working in KL at a high level management capacity is really strenuous. You really need to know your stuff instinctively, especially if you set high standards for yourself. Preparation is often done quickly, getting key decisions done and (like driving in Malaysia) get into a defensive mode to line up your excuses.

I don't really like what is going on, but you are in the system and you have to work your way through with the system. You have to find meaningful activities rather than just skim through work.

KLites and other busy city dwellers would probably feel the same things and choose to prioritise and treat other activities in a "lip service" manner.

So what do you choose?

I feel that the group of people most unfortunate in these circumstances are those in the lower rungs of the hierarchy, like students. It is true that students demand more but then again it's a Catch 22 for them. Where is the monitoring to ensure delivery and how to make sure that what is delivered is top quality?

Well, getting back to my topic of conversation, I am trying not to panic as I would like a good start for the semester, for my students, for myself and this would feed-off to others.

Just a bit more to do and I will be able to read my thesis for the viva.

About Life at 46

I felt complete the other day, although my life is not finished.

I have everything I ever needed finally. I may still want some things, but I need nothing more now.
Yes, I have come to a point in my life where I should be.

I Thank God for that. It hadn't really occurred before, but now I realised that. Because anything more added to my life now would be a luxury.

Strange as it seems, although I am anxious and tired with lots of aches and pains in my joints and sometimes overworked, I am where I am most happy.

It took some time for me to be able to arrive at this point.