Plan B

If there was a plan, it would have been Plan A and if it did not go right and you'd have to change it, then it's called Plan B.

My Plan A did not work out because I simply did not prepare well for it. I was just excited to do one thing but neglected other essential things so I suffered from the change of strategy.

Plans are strategies. It's as simple as that. Tactics are the details.

There are people operating on a very conceptual level and much higher plane of vision, but most people deal with plans and details in their everyday design and operations.

Seven and a half months

It started one evening. Seven and a half months ago.

But what started it was 38 years ago when I was a kid and I was in America. When Elton John sang Candle in the Wind for the first time and when Diana was alive and have not met Charles.

38 years ago I started to search something that was not born yet, and was not even an idea. Only was in God's Plan.

How I wondered about the magic of it all, the preciousness of knowing something you wanted to since you were a kid. The journey to get there and to even believe it.

So seven and a half months ago I decided to embark on this final journey of discovery. I learned great things and depths of the unknown that I never thought existed. And it was all in me, discovered and treasured. Shared.

The journey ended yesterday as it was necessarily so to do, because I could not venture alone. And I don't know when I get to discover more again or that was the end of the journey.

If it was the end of discovery, then every second of that seven and a half months was worth it.

Sometimes

Sometimes, you just need to push ahead so that you don't go around in circles.
Sometimes, one person's sense of time is different than another person, maybe due to age differences and experience.
Sometimes, you just need to pour your heart and soul into lots of projects, like write, write and write.
Sometimes, you need to just lose yourself and then find your way back, so you can see things afresh and anew.

Because I Love

Amo Ergo Sum
By Kathleen Raine

Because I love
The sun pours out its rays of living gold
Pours out its gold and silver on the sea.

Because I love
The earth upon her astral spindle winds
Her ecstasy-producing dance.

Because I love
Clouds travel on the winds through wide skies,
Skies wide and beautiful, blue and deep.

Because I love
Wind blows white sails,
The wind blows over flowers, the sweet wind blows.

Because I love
The ferns grow green, and green the grass, and green
The transparent sunlit trees.

Because I love
Larks rise up from the grass
And all the leaves are full of singing birds.

Because I love
The summer air quivers with a thousand wings,
Myriads of jewelled eyes burn in the light.

Because I love
The iridescnt shells upon the sand
Takes forms as fine and intricate as thought.

Because I love
There is an invisible way across the sky,
Birds travel by that way, the sun and moon
And all the stars travel that path by night.

Because I love
There is a river flowing all night long.

Because I love
All night the river flows into my sleep,
Ten thousand living things are sleeping in my arms,
And sleeping wake, and flowing are at rest.

The Power of Words

What is your religion?
What is your belief?
If you believe in humanity and the good of people, you can make people act.
You can make people change for the better.

There are people who just accept anything thrown at them as truth, just because it came from a religious authority who could be reading somewhere and pronounce it as word of God, without questioning and proper study and interpretation.

And others will just accept it as the truth.

That's why we have to think for ourselves and question more as the origin of the teaching could be flawed.

This blog will change

I would like to inform my intention of changing this blog to be a REVIEW blog on matters regarding Film, Cinema, Culture and Context (non architectural).

The name will change and private contents will be made private viewing only soon.

Anything architectural, please go to here:

CONTEXTURAL DESIGN

Don't have to listen to preachers all the time...

You don't have to listen to preachers all the time...because they are like robots. They have to crank up whatever that is inside of them so that they tune out the emotional part of themselves, and then they digest whatever they need to from their religious mentors and their holy books...and then they put a pause button on their emotions and feelings...and then they speak out those robotic words...as if it will change you into a better person.

It's like a loudspeaker blaring out...so you close your ears because...no, its not that you do not believe in God and God's words...and no, its not that you want to be belligerent and defy God's laws and all those words of advice and wisdom...

It's because you want to find some peace in your life. That's all.

My purpose in life

A goal is a ahead of you.
It maybe a goal for yourself, or a goal for the team.
You know that you have to put the 'ball in the net'.
To put the 'ball in the net' (using football speak) is to score the goal, in bringing closer to winning the game.
Some matches, you can display your beautiful talent and people will stand around admiring and cheering you on.
Some matches, everything seems to be against you and the game is scrappy, one sided and it is so difficult to get the supporters to cheer you on and in fact, they are 'booing' you because it is so difficult to get it together and be in sync with the team.

The last scenario is what is happening at my workplace.

My purpose in life is to win for the team. I am the one that shoots the passes for the strikers to strike in the ball into the net.
I start the game plan and I create the tempo of the game, because I am the visionary and the initiator.
I must never claim the victory is mine, because I must allow it to be a team game and not a one man team game. People do not like the latter. They loathe it.

I should not be concern with the superficial moves and the bad tackles by others. I just have to get up and move on and play my game.

My purpose in life is to win for the team. For the School of Architecture, UM.
Go ahead and take the credit but the victory will always be mine and others will know in their hearts. Regardless of how people would like to dress it up.

They would call me emotional or whatever names there is under the sun, but as long as I know my purpose in life, that is all that matters.

New Experience

I need to start with this new experience.

To be an architect again...

But what is an architect? Was I one in the first place?
And does having a degree make me an architect?

Obviously not.

After so many years as an academic, about 19 years in all, I need to get back into the mode of an architect, at least for 9 months starting September the first.

I am delaying this 'getting into my role' thing and I have to start thinking like one.

Sense of Place

Landscape is an idea but place is a sense.
A landscape is seen; a place is experienced and known.
(Nicholson, Adam; author of Sissinghurst)

I am designing a house and somehow, the sense of place is important to explore and define in the design. Thinking hard on how to do that.

I got a crit just now and got some encouragement, so I am optimistic.

Now, thinking about a sense of place, I am referring to previous definition:

place n

7. the position or location where somebody or something belongs

How do you make someone feel he/she belong to a place?
Like, if you design a house for people that you don't know. Of course, the basic brief was given to me, but to actually create a sense of place?

Its a great challenge.

I love my Spirit of Shankly t-shirt

And guess what?
The Spirit of Shankly branch will be opening in Malaysia.
This is really great news.

LINK

Getting all excited about the 14 & 16 July 2011 events of training session viewing and watching the game... can't wait...arggghhhhhh!

Walk on II

I love this song. Want to sing it in karaoke...
U2 made this song for Aung San Suu Kyi
It's about an insurmountable struggle that an individual has against oppression and being in captive.

Walk on

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress-up
All that you scheme...

The Day is going to flow into another day

The Day

It is going to flow into another day
I am going to hear footsteps in the bleak corridor
A mosquito is going to fly into my window

I am going to drive my car and go out for lunch
But not today
I brought some bread and a quarter of a pretzel to work

Nowadays I am not that hungry
Something is making me full
My stomach gets tighter
My heart beats as usual, maybe a little faster

The sun burst through the clouds
The fine rain caresses the damp earth and tarmac
Slippery man-made surfaces I'd avoid

The Day

Its going to flow into another day

The Song of The Reed

I really enjoyed Rumi poems and in particular 'The Song of the Reed'.

Other translations from this website.

5. Rhymed (Abbreviated) Translation by Nicholson, 1950

THE SONG OF THE REED

1. Hearken to this Reed forlorn,

2. Breathing, even since 'twas torn

2. From its rushy bed, a strain

3. Of impassioned love and pain.

7. "The secret of my song, though near,
7. None can see and none can hear.

A. Oh for a friend to know the sign

B. And mingle all his soul with mine!

10. 'Tis the flame of Love that fired me,
10. 'Tis the wine of Love inspired me.

13. Wouldst thou learn how lovers bleed,

35. Hearken, hearken to the Reed!"

--Translated by Reynold A. Nicholson. From "Rûmî: Poet and
Mystic (1207-1273): Selections from His Writings" (London:
George Allen and Unwin, 1950). [Lines indicated by a capital
letter are invented and have no basis in the Persian text.]

We are all in this together

What is a partnership? Is it right to let the other suffer?

A partnership happens when you let in someone else as collaborator to your scheme.

I think this U2 song is about that. About making it in the end. There is a beginning and an end and endless cycle in between...of discovering and learning again and again.




U2's "I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight"

She's a rainbow and she loves the peaceful life
Knows I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

There's a part of me in the chaos that's quiet
And there's a part of you that wants me to riot
Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit
Every sweet-tooth needs just a little hit
Every beauty needs to go out with an idiot
How can you stand next to the truth and not see it?
A change of heart comes slow..

It's not a hill it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubting?
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

(rest of lyrics)

If you do not feel right about something, what do you do?

I am not proud of many things I do, but one thing I know, I never follow other people if its not right or if it does not feel right.

I have always had to fight and stand up for something I believe in.

In education, you see many injustice and in any endeavour for the good you need to make others around you focus on the task ahead.

If you feel something not right, you must correct it or try to encounter it rather than walk away.

Rafael

Rafa Benitez is my mentor. If people have been following my blog and even in my other blog, I have referred to him often. I miss him so much as the manager of Liverpool Football Club. Not that I do not appreciate Kenny Daglish, but Rafa, he has to come back. When he left the club, my heart broke. Many of us pray he takes over from Kenny Daglish after he retires.

Here is a latest video from the Hillsborough Anniversary when on 15 April 1989, 96 Liverpool fans died.



I just want to share one of the posters' comments in red and white kop forum. From a poster named Stussy:

You know what really got me as I watched Rafa at the memorial?


We saw Rafa lift the European Cup, we saw him win the FA Cup, we saw many large dissapointments, we saw us win some massive games, we had a rollercoaster ride with Rafael Benitez with lows and highs that make you dizzy just thinking about it. And all these times, he seemed to be the embodiment of Kipling's line about treating the two imposters of winning and losing the same, of how you 'keep your head when all around are losing theirs'. I remember Rafa saying when asked once about his coolness at point of goal scoring or winning, that he needs to keep cool because its his responsibility to think tactically and plan immediately for all the myriad of ways in which this goal changes the game, that its most important for him to immediately start planning and plotting and making strategic contingencies because when the team scores and goes crazy, he must keep control for the sake of his team. He is the general, he has to be like Napoleon or whoever, overseeing the game from above.


I think today all the emotion of Rafa's bond with the club, sitting on the Kop, when the Liverpool family was showing its unity, just poured out of him. There must have been a fair amount of pent up emotion from the end of his reign, the frustrations of it all, the ending of his formal link with the club on a low note. But the bond remains, especially with the families, who he became close to and supported, and he didn't have to be in control of anything, or immediately scramble to take mental notes. He could just be who he was, a Red, sitting on the Kop, with his friends who had lost their children following this club.


He gave us some of the greatest victories we have ever had, he almost won us the league, and he gave us what will probably never be surpassed as the single most romantic and mythical night in our history. It was always curious, seeing him standing there keeping his passions under control as we wept with happiness for what he gave us. For me that made me feel more affectionate towards him. To see him today seemed like he was reciprocating some of that emotion helplessly, albeit in very unique and extremely poignant circumstances. Its like his bond with us just got reaffirmed even more.

Blessings from my mother

It is so important to talk to my mother and get her blessings. Hard decisions have to be made, but when your mother understood why you have to do certain things than it is much easier. Somehow the bond you have with your parent, be it your mother or father is a strong 'glue' that is somewhat pliable and breathing. You need that breathable aspects where you find spaces in between the holes and moves forward, growing and developing.

Whatever age you are, it is important to stay alive.

Staying alive is based on how it germinate and grow and sustain itself. It is true with humans.

A difficult decision which could be easier

I am experiencing a difficult decision about my future. One would ask, at my age, I have done a lot of things. What more do I want to do?

I am sure there are people out there who has or is experiencing the same thing. Things get boring and same old, same old. You start doing stupid things, so that is the evidence of someone 'bored' or even frustrated.

Actually I have proven to turn a non situation to an opportunity. I have done that all my life, but this time its a real crossroad and where I go will take me to someplace which will not compromise the other.

Not going into details here but just saying, its hard and I have to make a hard decision in a cutting, precise manner, and just go with what I decide.

By today.

Something got me last night

I just posted on my facebook status that: Its no use faking it, it's between you and God.

Then I commented:

yup, suddenly it dawned on me that we interact with humans, but the thing is not between that person and I, but between God and I...whatever outcomes, whatever product...it's all about you and God. It's an incredible powerful thought.

The reason why I said that was it occurred to me that (probably not for the first time) whatever we do does not concern other humans, but only our relationship (if that is called) between us and God. I went to sleep last night thinking about why do I need something so bad. and when I went out to get it and got it, was it out of desperation. And whether need is just a "good way" to disguise 'desperation'.

What got me was that, the measure of our worth as human beings is not judged by other people but by God.

I can do whatever I want. The argument is, if I do things because of other people, I have the wrong concept of life. I have it all figured wrongly.

There is a difference when you do things for people or when you do things for God. I mean, prayer and ibadah, like my teaching people is all very clear that its for God or to aspire Godliness. But if we do things like finding a life's partner, is it for God? You see what I mean. Its not clear right. Of course someone who is learned in the Quran and religious texts, would inform me that in the Quran it says so like that. That if you need to find a partner who fits the bill so that you will aspire Godliness. So don't find someone who is not going to help you aspire Godliness.

Actually that is not what I meant. What I meant is, you do not have to find a life partner. You do not have to do what you do not have to do. Was it because of desperation that you got one? But you will reason out because of a need to have one. What if you discover that you do not actually need one in the first place and it was because of desperation you got one. And then you figured out that you did many many things before out of desperation.

How would you know you do not need a life partner? After you have one, perhaps, you will realise you don't need one. You wanted one and got one out of desperation. So now what?

Then you realise it was not because of you, but because of God. You did it because of God.

All your life was this long discovery process of finding God. Of having a relationship with God. Everything you do is because of God, not because of your need but because of God. Then it makes sense. It makes sense that you did what you did based on pure desperation or pure need (whichever word you fancy).

How true is true? How pure is pure? Is it frightening to discover that your pure intention was really pure? Thant you did what you did because it will lead you further in your journey and nearer to God.

You may feel like shit or feel bad, but does not mean that you are far from God.

Whatever we imagine

The power that holds within us is given to us to do what is right. This power can let us do whatever we imagine.

I was at a restaurant just now and I watched the people around me. They seems to be frail, weak and vulnerable. I saw them like organisms or mammals, easily broken or wounded. When I looked at them, I am like them. I am them. We are one. All easily gone in a second if a disaster strikes.

Some Sufi saying talked about a humanity reflected in nature. Like this poem by Rumi:

I sought a soul in the sea
And found a coral there;
Beneath the foam for me
An ocean was all laid bare.

Into my heart’s night
Along a narrow way
I groped; and lo! the light,
An infinite land of day

This idea is also reflected in the poetry written by William Blake:

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

(Continue)

To see a human in a grain of sand. To see yourself. 

We were created by God. 

To see endless possibility of whatever we imagine...

or the song lyrics of Whatever We Imagine by James Ingram:

Don't be afraid

I can meet you half way

We cant always know

Where the road ends up

But with some luck

I know we can go

Where-ever we imagine

Why should we wait

Later on maybe too late

Cause where can we run

When you see there's half a chance

That we might really become

Whatever we imagine

And I imagine you and me

Just taking shots at what we see

And if we falter

Take away the dust

And just outlast them all

You ought to see

All your heroes in me

But if we get wise

We can break the walls we make

And you can see in my eyes

Whatever we imagine

And I imagine you and me

Just taking shots at what we see

So let the walls go down

And we can try it again

Cause nobody can stop us now

Don't be afraid

Cause I'll meet you half way

You're not far behind

If we climb this hill

I know there's still a chance we can find

Whatever we imagine in our life


(Link to youtube)

This song was around in 1983, when I was in my 3rd year in UTM, Jalan Gurney, so it brings back memories and it takes me back to that time and how it feels to be at the age of 21.

I like the wordings:

(1) " You ought to see;All your heroes in me" and also;

(2) "You're not far behind, If we climb this hill, I know there's still a chance we can find - Whatever we imagine in our life"

It is so important to have optimism at all stages of your life, a strong positive perspective of  yourself. So in (1), when you are with someone, you would want that person to believe in you or when someone invest their hopes and dreams together with you, you 'need' to be strong for that someone, ie "all the heroes" meaning - all that you hope for in someone to take you there.

There are obstacles and challenges, and in (2) you will lead someone and never give up, cause whatever dreams and hopes are there so "there's still a chance we can find", so when you are going through life, it is important to keep your dreams alive at whatever age you are and never to give up. 

The Original

I am the original, not a duplicate and not produced from a copy-machine. I was not derived from a template, and certainly not made by humans. If you wish to process me, to become like others, you will be disappointed. Because I was made to be an original and cannot be cloned.

When people say that if we want to influence someone, we have to do that in an early age, I do not subscribe to that theory. You can change someone even when they are older. Actually you cannot really change someone as each individual have their own desires and what makes them move or driven.

Each individual, when she wants something, she will try to get it. He will 'cross the river' to get it. She will reach out across the barrier to grasp what she wants. 

The problem is when he or she gets it and its in the hands. He or she may not know what to do with it.

It is not that clear cut what life is about. People say that life is about growing up, getting married and having kids and the life-cycle rotates. The kids then go through the process. What is perceived to be easy on the eye is what it is - easy on the eye.

But life is more than that. When someone confronts me and ask me, why don't you? Why don't you get married and have kids (although in reality only adoption is possible now...ahem) but seriously, why should I answer?

Why should I have to answer to this question which probably that person who asked did not give it a lot of thought, nor is this person actually know me very well.

Yes, you do not have to answer. Because the most important thing is inside of you. Your desires and your movement forward in life.

Sitting in my driver's seat

Coasting down the highway of your life, you may observe how the season's changed. Brown leaves dropping listlessly and graphic trees casting winter's shadows leaving you yearning for the youthful summer's sun to bend things around. Turning down the road, you see something beautiful and original and you want to have it for yourself. So you stopped and admire its beauty and how it engulfs you by its purity. You cry a little and the few drops of tears wet your dry cheeks, refreshing your mood, reminding you of that something which you yearned for all these years. All the earth's powers resonate within your being and you thanked the Al-mighty for letting you on the secret about yourself. Knowing about yourself is precious.

UM need to prioritise

A great lesson that I learned this week (and its barely Wednesday) is that Universiti Malaya have to prioritise its people and not just interested in covering its "arse".

UM here means people working in management. People want to criticise me, fine, for bailing out from being Head of Department, whatever...but at the end of the day, you need to be in tune with the staff's problems.

Of course, its a 'kick on my head' metaphorically, now I get to feel this lack of 'people first' policy about this issue of the lift (broken down since 6:12 pm on Monday), but do I have to take this over and over again. I had to go to JPPHB myself and sort it out where the faculty should have sort it out for me.

Wasting my time and energy that could have been put to good use. Wasted a whole day yesterday.

Decent people

In life, you sometimes meet decent people. People who are sensitive and take great pains to feel for you. I wonder if I am a decent person. I try to be one.

The thing is I am beginning to be very selective about caring for people. I want to only care about people who are decent. I use to think that someone could change and I still do, but I may not have the time to thik about these people. I mean, I feel that I don't really want to care by thinking about these people in the "not decent" group. Why should I give even an aota of concern for these people? All they want is to further their agenda and on the way step and hurt people. What for should I concern about them at all?

The ounce of concern that I may leave aside for this "not decent" people would take space...I use to not think that way, but maybe you get more sensitive as you grow older and you just do not want to entertain any more. You just do not want to care any more.

Tired

Sitting in the Starbucks cafe while trying to do work, I see a table of three people believd to be office colleagues, chatting about whatever...

That reminds me of my office colleagues. Nothing wrong with them. But you see them too often. You see them more than your family, but unlike your family, they do not love you, nor care for you. Maybe a bit, in a neighbourly, humanly way, but they will not care for your mental or emotional well-being. In fact, they could very well be the source of your pains.

Sometimes you feel like this because you are human and it is not all hunky dory with office relationships. Some people they could even sabotage you and stab you in the back or do some evil thing like say lies about you.

It is a nasty world out there. Politics sucks big time.

Feeling Insulted

Recently, I was feeling very insulted. Accusations and insinuations about me not doing my job properly was being felt.

I think leaders or people managing other people have to be very careful not to insult others. Like someone said, the "how" to tell is an art by itself to explain what is wrong about that person. You don't just bulldozed and ram the person down with your accusations.

However, I have calmed down some what as finally I got what I need. But was it fair to make it difficult for me for weeks. I was just doing my job.