Have you viewed the Motorcycle Diaries? It's a film about Che Guevera and his friend who traveled in through many countries South America before Che committed himself to his eventual struggle. One can say it is a 'road and buddy movie'. I am getting more mesmerised by the songs in the soundtrack. They are so haunting, melancholic, sad and moody . There are some upbeat tracks, full of Latin vibes and South American music traditions, both ethnic, 60s and contemporary. I don't know why I keep on listening to the soundtracks over and over again...

Shaping our lives.

We make or break things.
We pick up the broken pieces and try to put them together again.
We try to mend and glue together fragmented pieces of ourselves.
We scoop up the shapeless form and try to make recognizable shapes and forms to make sense of our lives.
Are we the creator of our lives?
Music massages our souls, and let them resonate in our beings.
We crave for messages from our beloved.
To be soothed and bathed in comforting thoughts.
Cracked vessels of yesterday were forlorn forms discarded on shelves, hidden from view.
We made them and are not able to throw them away.
Imprints of past designs thought us valuable lessons.
Can we form shapes for our hopes and desires?
Shapes of being, depictions of our intent.
Are we making enough?
Have we enough material and faith to shape our lives?

Why is traveling so potent and powerful? The kind of traveling that I meant, is the one that 'feels up your senses'. Every bump on the road, every detail on the buildings, every line creased on people's face and shapes and colour stands out, asking me to discover them. I get so much buzz from traveling, like an adrenaline rush which begs me to pack my bags and just go. I cannot just do that impulsively now. I have my PhD to complete and to curb my wanderlust bug.

I cannot help comparing traveling with being in love. You want to know everything about the one that you love. The history, the place where your beloved came from and every aspect of your beloved's physical, emotional and mental being. You want to search and find out as much as you can, as this need to understand comes from your very being to meet your beloved.

What has conservation got to do with being in love? If we get to meet and understand our beloved, we take the next step in trying to protect our love interest. I would like to think that I am not stiffling my beloved or place the person in a cage. No not at all. But conservation has that principle of protection where I cannot help but see some similarities with being in love. Is it true to say that we want to conserve what we love?

Am I dealing with two different subjects now? Conservation, on one hand and Being in Love on another?

There are many dimensions to one and another. One belong to the realm of the world and the other in the realm of a human being. The connection exists in the dimensions that cover the senses. Sense of beauty, sense of wonder, sense of awe, sense of seeing, hearing, touching, all senses...

So when conservation is devoid of life and is just cosmetically done up and pose as an object with no life and no use, that's all it is, a museum piece, an artifact. Surely there will not be love in that!

Could one be in awe just looking at a conserved piece of artifact? Would that be enough. That is when conservation and being in love differ. Awe is not love.

Hence, senses are not enough to connect conservation with being in love. Senses are not enough to connect the world and the human being. Senses borne from being in love, is not love itself. Love is more than just senses. It has a mind of its own.

You can take the girl out of the kampung, but you cannot take the kampung out of the girl... Love beckons, and love grows. The longing to return is great.

Does this makes any sense? If it does, good. If not, please do not get frustrated.

A lot of things had happened to me since I last posted. Well, yes, it had been more than a year, and that is quite a long time. It is odd that I had suddenly decided to abandon blog writing. Well, I knew that I was not going to abandon it altogether... so, here I am again. A lot of things that I have learned about myself. One important thing that I have learned is not to take myself for granted! Usually we say that or hope that for someone else, but we have got to learn to love ourself first. Someone had told me this before, to love myself. I did not understand what she said and what it means. Love oneself? Is it self-love? Apparently, it has to do with respecting oneself and like I said, not to take oneself for granted. Physical evidence of not loving oneself includes not eating properly, not exercising and taking care of one's body, and or abusing oneself. That sort of thing. So, I did an overhaul. I think it was late 2001, when I decided to spend my half month bonus on a full medical examination, complete with a physician, a rehab specialist and dietician. I have not looked back since. Although I could do with a second reconditioning of my physique and a second love affair with myself, I am in much better shape than before. Last month is probably one of the most important months of my life... February 2005, etched and engraved in my mind, as the month to start many months! Perhaps I will write about what happened later on. We shall see...