The Long Release

Yesterday I submitted my transcripts to my PhD thesis examiner. That means I have submitted everything that they wanted me to do. (Who knows what else they want...)

Yesterday, 20th March 2009 marked a "full stop" to my long and winding journey of trying to complete my PhD. I will mark it regardless.

12 years ago, I applied to be a lecturer at University of Malaya (UM), Kuala Lumpur. My father, who was suffering from cancer, on his hospital bed in 1997, told me of his wish that I continue being an academic and that it was to be UM as my destiny. I became a UM lecturer in April 1997. He passed away that year in September 11, 1997.

I read somewhere that grieving the loss of someone close and dear to you needs a form of release. To me, its never a closure and that you will always grieve the person. But learning to release your grief is never easy and ever since I embarked in this PhD journey, I had to constantly seek to find myself, again and again.

What does it mean to 'find myself'. Because you lost someone, you want to get lost yourself. You want to find meaning in what you do. Whether it was worth it, whether it's what you really want. As it was, when I was a lecturer and a PhD student. Many times I felt like quitting due to the slightest reason.

I met different people for different reasons since 1997. I must have done something right to enable me to meet these people who became my friends and close confidante. I would not have survived or made it without these people. My mother backed me up all the way and never pressured me.

The long release has to happen in order for you to gain strength and purpose, because you only have this life to give.

Yesterday the 14th of March 2009

Skipping Things:

I have been skipping things, but I have my reasons. I want to be inspired every day. Not just once in awhile. I get inspired from interactions with my students, by doing my research or my NGO work. But this 'research culture camp'? Something is wrong when I came into the room. Registration... The speaker was uninspiring, the chairman was uninspiring... What do you think we are - robots? We don't want to be there!

Liverpool FC:

Every time I think of Liverpool FC, I want to cry. When I think of what transpired since 2004. The last 'Houllier Year' was tough. And then we had Rafa. Then Owen, Heskey and Murphy left. Then we won the Champion's League in Rafa's first year with a mediocre team. Gerrard almost left but he stayed. Now look at where we are. Pushing United and beating Real Madrid in the Champion's League. Gerrard now scoring the most goals! Torres inspired. Everything seems to fall into place.

Falling into Place:

I never had this for a long time. After all the hard work, everything seems to fall into place. Things fit, feelings calm and work is in progress. And today, Liverpool beat Manchester United 4-1. That is really the icing on the cake. I was so excited and I was making so much noise at the restaurant. It was pure joy!! I don't know how to describe this wondrous feeling of utter joy!

Our worldview

How we see ourselves is important because it makes us do the things we do. We interpret from experience what to do next. Our next move and actions are the result of our interpretation of things.

That's why religion and belief is instrumental in developing our worldview.

Embracing a belief system either it is based on a common and accepted religion or not happens to all of us. Even an atheist believes in a system, which could be purely scientific and evidence based.

Our worldview was shaped by forces within and without, meaning developed in ourselves through experience and conditioning and shaped by external and outside influences.

What we choose to do with ourselves involves a process of internalization and reflection and then we act upon these decisions that we made.

When people say that they cannot make decisions themselves, it is more like not wanting to accept the pain if anything goes wrong.

A positive worldview is needed for us to be people who could bring changes to lives of others.