Only God Knows

As long as I can remember, my adult life has not been straight-forward. There were so many twist and turns...and where I am now, I did not imagine that I would be here, in this experience. Like this.

I suppose life is like that. Unpredictable.

But that's me. And probably, no two lives replicate their journeys. Probably... only God Knows.

Even if two lives replicate their journeys, the two lives would not know of it. So its a no-brainer.

I have no complaints because I taught myself not to complain. I may whinge or sometimes cringe, but really no complaints. I chose to be here. That is to be an adult. To accept what you have chosen in life.

In fact, when you recite the Al-Fatihah, there is a verse that (translation cut and paste) says:

6. Show us the straight way,

7. The way of those on whom Thou hast bestowed Thy Grace, those whose (portion) is not wrath, and who go not astray.

We recite this verse over and over again in all our prayer times. Have we asked ourselves "what is the straight way?" and it says in the verse, that the straight way is "the way of those on whom Thou has bestowed Thy Grace", so the next thought is : who are those that God has bestowed His Grace?

In a way it is a figure of speech. Only God Knows whom He bestowed His Grace. Only God Knows. So this keeps us on our toes. That we be non complacent. That we always seek for continued affirmation, through our actions.

Some things are clearly said in the Quran and some things are figuratively speaking, so that we continue with the seeking. The trial and error of life.

So who are those that God Is most pleased with?

Only God Knows.

Missed being a student

I feel when you finished something major like a PhD, suddenly your student ways stopped. You do not have excuses anymore to be a student, to deal with drafts of work and to stay up late finishing work.

Normally one should be happy to get rid of student days and be looking forward to other things in life. Not me. Most of my life (that was happy) was when I was a student.

The other day, I was seriously thinking of doing another course. Something like Creative Writing or Philosophy. But that takes a couple of years for the former and four years for the latter. When will I do that? If its for a short course over the summer that would be possible, during my sabbatical.

When I was in a student state, I only worried for the present and the immediate steps to ensure my survival. But after, I completed my PhD course, I am suddenly entrusted to think about the future. I became increasingly engaged in the disability movement and efforts of the country via the Council work and the department of architecture. I morphed to that older side of me and grey hairs started to pop out more and more, eye bags became saggier...

Am I concern more about how I look or about having to be this person who has to carry all these "adult" responsibilities? Which is it?

It does not matter, but these jobs that I do, its because there is no one else being able to do them, and its a matter of shouldering it because I must. That's why parents look the way they are when they are entrusted with responsibilities that they have to do and no one else would take care of their kids obviously.

Well...I cannot run away from it, it seems, but I do have choices actually, unlike the parents...

To get there

All that you need is there for you.
In front of you.
Its not a mistake.
Where you are at.
You did not come here by mistake.
Just that you do not know where you are going.
Just now.
Just this moment.
It's all kind of blurry.
It is okay.
Nothing is clear-cut unless we 'will' it.
Sometimes we just have to keep on going, for the sake of getting somewhere.
Just on gut instinct.
Intuition.
Perceived notion.
Quiet intelligence.
Whatever it is to get there.

Pause Button

I pressed the pause button and waited. Usually we would press the pause button so that we could do something else or that something has taken us away from watching the video or listening to the music.

Yes, this time I waited. Because I keep on watching and keep on listening without emotion, without asking, just taking in the sights and sound...not really watching, not really listening...just numbing my senses.

Is there somewhere that I have to go or visit? Is there some place that I need to be at? At this juncture in time, I am asking myself because I never gave myself the chance to pause when I pressed for it... why did I press? Didn't I know myself before this? Before the pause... just to let something in, to fill a space and void, devoid of meaning and feeling and it was empty...

It was always empty. Do I need to fill it?

Go with the flow

In order to write a story or a song, why is it that I have to work myself into an emotional state? I have a problem with that because I really cannot fake it. I mean, I cannot "act" that emotional state. I have to have it for real, and then I get the creative juices flowing and when I do write, it then become possible for me to be creative...which means what I write is "flowing", not contrived or self-conscious.

I really adore Haruki Murakami, especially when he suddenly became a writer and he is not preconceived or try to teach people, but he just went with the flow of thoughts...

I want to write like him, free of pre-concepts, easy and flowing...

Revelation

Recently, I went through a period of self-discovery.
They say that when you are in love, you are actually trying to find missing pieces of your self.
When I was 13 years old, I was trying to find myself. I was a lonely kid. I really needed a friend then. Not just any friend.
Looking back now, that friend was not born yet and it wasn't until 33 years later that I met that friend.
I think all my life I kept on trying to find the missing pieces.
Now, I have found them.
That is my story.

Human Imperfection

'In his final hours, he had tidied up the manuscript so that his wife could find it. Below it, around it, inside his two computers, on old floppy disks in his drawers were hundreds of other pages—drafts, character sketches, notes to himself, fragments that had evaded his attempt to integrate them into the novel. This was his effort to show the world what it was to be “a f***ing human being.” He had not completed it to his satisfaction. This was not an ending anyone would have wanted for him, but it was the ending he chose.'

http://thepenguinblog.typepad.com/

I was reading a novel by Murakami, and the story was about human imperfections, and that the protagonist was a 15 year old boy, Kafka, who ran away from home and who met with characters who were like him, who ran away and try to discover themselves. The story juxtaposed with another one, an elderly handicapped man, Nakata, who could converse with cats, on account of an incident that occurred when he was a young boy, where he was unconscious for a long time, and when he woke up, he experienced the lack of memory where he could not remember a thing about himself, his family and everything else. But he could talk to cats.

There is something perfect about human imperfections. It is not an apology or an excuse, but an insight of the human condition that describes the reality of humans are.

Warrior of the Light

I like to read Paulo Coelho's books and now am reading on his latest "Warrior of the Light". This is one of the excerpts reminding me of a lesson that I need to learn.

A Warrior of the Light is never in a hurry.

Time works in his favor; he learns to master his impatience and avoids acting without thinking.

By walking slowly, he becomes aware of the firmness of his step. He knows that he is taking part in a decisive moment in the history of humanity and that he needs to change himself before he can transform the world. That is why he remembers the words of Lanza del Vasto: " A revolution takes time to settle in."

A Warrior never picks fruit while it is still green.

I am getting tired of pretensions or pretentiousness

At this point in my life, I am getting tired of pretensions and/or pretentiousness either by myself or other people.

Visual map thesaurus on pretentious

I don't need all that exaggeration and bravado, and same goes for anyone who puts it on.

Why cannot we deal with the most important things in life? Why must we get into all sorts of drama or scenarios and not really getting to what matters most?

Black and White

Often we live in grey areas, where things are not so clear-cut and we can venture in-between and around the subject matter at hand, which could be relating to others or being involved with dealing with people. It is easier when it's not hard and fast, black and white and plain as day.

Fence-sitters love the grey areas of life.

I try not to be a fence-sitter, but sometimes it is safer.

When you decided to choose to sit on either side of the fence, or when you decided to make it clear, black and white and where you stand, people are not going to like it.

But when you decide and when you do it, the work can begin. The work on your life to move you forward. To learn the lessons waiting to be taught.

Black and white is only about clarity and making the decision clearly.

The Story of Illusion

It was a good lesson to learn. Between illusion and reality. Now I know the difference clearly, and how this relate to the Quran, with regards to how we need to overcome our barriers and shatter the illusions around us. You see, the story about the 'devil' or 'syaitan' is about the 'illusion/s' that we create to cope with life's difficulties. At first it would ease the pain and make it bearable and make us happier, but we cannot continue with the illusion that we create. In this 'dream-state' we ignore reality around us and the work that we need to do. We can keep up appearance but in reality we are 'lost' in this illusion. Almost always this illusion makes us happy and we could go on forever lying to ourselves, but reality is where we need to go back to. It is so painful to shatter an illusion, but it has to be done. Of course, it is a journey or a part of the journey of discovering ourselves, but sometimes we have to know when to stop and embark on another journey.

The truth need to be faced in order for the illusion to end. Like what they say, reality bites, and always it bites hard and hurts.

What is inspiration.

What is an inspiration?

An inspiration can come in different forms. In a form of a object of desire, something you want or need, a person, an animal, flora, fauna, story, poetry, song or an abstract. An inspiration could also be bad for your health but yet make you alive and kicking. An inspiration could be felt like slow fire burning or a volcanic eruption...seismic, cosmic or spasmic. An inspiration could be controlled or be left wild to engulfed you. An inspiration can be a secret or out in the open.

Definition found on the web:
# arousal of the mind to special unusual activity or creativity
# a product of your creative thinking and work; "he had little respect for the inspirations of other artists"; "after years of work his brainchild was a tangible reality"
# a sudden intuition as part of solving a problem
# divine guidance: (theology) a special influence of a divinity on the minds of human beings; "they believe that the books of Scripture were written under divine guidance"
# arousing to a particular emotion or action
# inhalation: the act of inhaling; the drawing in of air (or other gases) as in breathing

I like the definition of the last one: the act of inhaling, but in my interpretation, we can inhale "something" to fill us and inspire us....

After This

After this, things won't be what it used to be.
After this, things will be different.
Another chapter of my life has closed.
I was trying to find out about myself and finally I can put it to rest...those questions, the confusion...
Now it is easy to see everything, every effort, every strain...every thing.

Another Episode

Yesterday, I hung out with the boys, I mean, the Design Thesis studio masters, after a lengthy session that started at 10 am in the morning and only finished at 8 pmish.

We ate at Opus in Bangsar. It was nice. Kevin said he thought I deserved it so he paid for my meal. Eventually he paid for the three of us. That was really sweet of him.

He said that I "made a difference" to the studio's work. In terms of the quality produced. Anthony added, "It was the woman's touch you see..." Eh, I am one of the boys meh?

Anyway, I am sort of flattered, but I know its a team effort.

I told the 4th years who will be in the Design Thesis Studio (2009/10) starting this May 2009, that we (the studio masters) have to work as a team. Like a football team, not everyone can be the 'strikers', if not all will start rushing into the goal and no one's going to put it in, as they fight with each other! We have to combine our different talents, our different techniques and perspectives and the end of the day, the maturity and competencies of the students will be the main factor for success.

It's the same with the theory of "spoon-feeding". That does not happen to a mature bunch because this thing they call "spoon-feeding" is to me an insult, if anyone suggest that, and also an insult to the students. As a teacher, you have got to be subtle in your ways. You have to work hard and the timing for action has to come at the right time.

Its not easy when you have to deal with so many of them. When I look at it, I may have neglected some of the students, because they did not fulfill their potential or stayed at the same grade. But then, its up to the student whether he or she wants to "take off the blinkers". (Blinkers are "a protective covering that keeps things out or hinders sight")

Another way of saying this is putting up barriers in order not to progress. Yes, its a general term, but we do this to ourselves from time to time. We are besotted by prejudices and our habits so we might not want to learn new things. Not taking risks or being innovative enough are some of these barriers to progress.

Well, I think the studio did well in general, and I am happy I was a part of the team.

The Long Release

Yesterday I submitted my transcripts to my PhD thesis examiner. That means I have submitted everything that they wanted me to do. (Who knows what else they want...)

Yesterday, 20th March 2009 marked a "full stop" to my long and winding journey of trying to complete my PhD. I will mark it regardless.

12 years ago, I applied to be a lecturer at University of Malaya (UM), Kuala Lumpur. My father, who was suffering from cancer, on his hospital bed in 1997, told me of his wish that I continue being an academic and that it was to be UM as my destiny. I became a UM lecturer in April 1997. He passed away that year in September 11, 1997.

I read somewhere that grieving the loss of someone close and dear to you needs a form of release. To me, its never a closure and that you will always grieve the person. But learning to release your grief is never easy and ever since I embarked in this PhD journey, I had to constantly seek to find myself, again and again.

What does it mean to 'find myself'. Because you lost someone, you want to get lost yourself. You want to find meaning in what you do. Whether it was worth it, whether it's what you really want. As it was, when I was a lecturer and a PhD student. Many times I felt like quitting due to the slightest reason.

I met different people for different reasons since 1997. I must have done something right to enable me to meet these people who became my friends and close confidante. I would not have survived or made it without these people. My mother backed me up all the way and never pressured me.

The long release has to happen in order for you to gain strength and purpose, because you only have this life to give.

Yesterday the 14th of March 2009

Skipping Things:

I have been skipping things, but I have my reasons. I want to be inspired every day. Not just once in awhile. I get inspired from interactions with my students, by doing my research or my NGO work. But this 'research culture camp'? Something is wrong when I came into the room. Registration... The speaker was uninspiring, the chairman was uninspiring... What do you think we are - robots? We don't want to be there!

Liverpool FC:

Every time I think of Liverpool FC, I want to cry. When I think of what transpired since 2004. The last 'Houllier Year' was tough. And then we had Rafa. Then Owen, Heskey and Murphy left. Then we won the Champion's League in Rafa's first year with a mediocre team. Gerrard almost left but he stayed. Now look at where we are. Pushing United and beating Real Madrid in the Champion's League. Gerrard now scoring the most goals! Torres inspired. Everything seems to fall into place.

Falling into Place:

I never had this for a long time. After all the hard work, everything seems to fall into place. Things fit, feelings calm and work is in progress. And today, Liverpool beat Manchester United 4-1. That is really the icing on the cake. I was so excited and I was making so much noise at the restaurant. It was pure joy!! I don't know how to describe this wondrous feeling of utter joy!

Our worldview

How we see ourselves is important because it makes us do the things we do. We interpret from experience what to do next. Our next move and actions are the result of our interpretation of things.

That's why religion and belief is instrumental in developing our worldview.

Embracing a belief system either it is based on a common and accepted religion or not happens to all of us. Even an atheist believes in a system, which could be purely scientific and evidence based.

Our worldview was shaped by forces within and without, meaning developed in ourselves through experience and conditioning and shaped by external and outside influences.

What we choose to do with ourselves involves a process of internalization and reflection and then we act upon these decisions that we made.

When people say that they cannot make decisions themselves, it is more like not wanting to accept the pain if anything goes wrong.

A positive worldview is needed for us to be people who could bring changes to lives of others.

The unexpectedness of things

You know how things are.
You try to bring a constant into your life.
It may be a companion or a friend or a hobby, whatever, some stability into your life.
Something to keep you going and look forward to the day.
When the day is done and dusted, you look forward to the next day.

We would sketch a plan for what's to come, but we will never know, what could be lurking around the corner? Or another way of putting it...the unexpectedness of things.

Actually you do expect these things to happen, but when it actually happened, there and then, you got surprised, probably because you are not ready or maybe because you thought those things should happen a long time ago or something like that.

Because you are used to having predictable events and going through the motions, and then when the 'thing' happens, which you had secretly wanted it to happen anyway, you sort of caught unawares and have to use your wits and wills about you to 'cope' with its presence in your life.

Well, this happened to me recently. I wanted to resist it but I knew it would happen when I am stressed. Things like this always happens when you are stressed.

Unbelievably I managed to make this 'constant' a part of my life now. Don't know how long it will last, but I am enjoying it actually.

Why I love teaching

Did you know that "teaching" gives me such a buzz. It gets me right there, especially when things fall into place.

It's exhilarating, energising, adrenaline pumping and 'you are ready for it' feeling if felt when what you do is translated to your students getting their confidence back. I wish I could psyche up all my students, but it also depends on the students whether they want to be psyche up. Whether they will be ready for the fight.

Crits and presentation are not easy, and it could really drag you to depths of disappointment and pull your self-confidence way down, so you need to get psychologised. Psyche up. It's either you doing it but someone else could do it for you.

It's crunch time for my design thesis students now and for the next 7 weeks.

Get ready for the fight!

Back to Work

Work. It's a four letter word.
It's not a bad word. But certainly something that I have not really concentrated on lately.
Not that I have been skiving, but maybe slacking.

I don't like past tense. Nor I want to dwell on the past.
I want to work differently now.
I want to work smart.

I have been inspired lately.
Obviously by getting through with my exam.
There is still some life in me to live it up.

I need to get back to work. Intensely.