I don't want to be a broken record

I feel strongly about my identity as a Muslim and being a Malay. These two identities are not separated or alien to one another, but are inter-linked very closely.

I was born in Bentong, Pahang in the General Hospital. At the age of four and half, my family moved to Penang, whereby in the year 1973, my mother, my brothers and I, at the age of 11, joined my father in San Diego, U.S.A. I left my family two years later as I was given a place to study at a boarding school in Seremban, Negri Sembilan. Two years later, my family came back and stayed in Kuala Lumpur. And since 1977, I had always stayed in Kuala Lumpur apart from the 11 years of studying abroad in the U.K. at different stages of my adult life.



I believe that my identity as a Muslim, has been the "rudder" of my sanity. Another controlling mechanism was my parent's influence. My brothers and I were free to think about our lives, but always with some parental advice at hand. Never forced upon us, so we learned to think for ourselves.

However I would rather perceive my identity as a Malay linked to the place I was born, the context to which I grew up in and where my parents and grand-parents came from. My identity as a Malay or rather as a Sumatran/Rawa/Khmer(?) helped to negotiate my bearings and direction in life. The best way to describe that influence is that I feel my Malayness in my blood, in my place on this earth and in my vocation.

Another way of explaining about myself is that I feel the need to thrive on rediscovering my identities. Life is not static. I change as I grow older and discover myself from different viewpoints and perceptions. I adapt to the change by adopting certain values and I see it as enriching my being. The "rudder", however, is always there, sometimes hard and determined and sometimes loose and carefree. But, it is always there...



I don't want to be a broken record and most of all to myself, never mind others. I think it is important that I see my identity as a Muslim, being refreshed when needed as I grow and mature accordingly. What I learned at the age of 13, 23, 33 and 43 need to have a different meaning and perspective to it. If not you get "stale", like a mouldy bread, invaded and useless...

I am reflecting on why I had undertaken a PhD research topic that exclusively investigated the U.K. context and not Malaysia. Is that not a contradiction between my Malayness that I professed before? I beg to differ and clarify that I think it is important to understand concepts and abstracts of meaning and constructs of our self in grappling with idealism and intellectuality. Yes, each of us has that, idealism and intellectuality, but in learning about others, our culture becomes more focussed and intense. We could see better.





[To be continued...]