The Long Release

Yesterday I submitted my transcripts to my PhD thesis examiner. That means I have submitted everything that they wanted me to do. (Who knows what else they want...)

Yesterday, 20th March 2009 marked a "full stop" to my long and winding journey of trying to complete my PhD. I will mark it regardless.

12 years ago, I applied to be a lecturer at University of Malaya (UM), Kuala Lumpur. My father, who was suffering from cancer, on his hospital bed in 1997, told me of his wish that I continue being an academic and that it was to be UM as my destiny. I became a UM lecturer in April 1997. He passed away that year in September 11, 1997.

I read somewhere that grieving the loss of someone close and dear to you needs a form of release. To me, its never a closure and that you will always grieve the person. But learning to release your grief is never easy and ever since I embarked in this PhD journey, I had to constantly seek to find myself, again and again.

What does it mean to 'find myself'. Because you lost someone, you want to get lost yourself. You want to find meaning in what you do. Whether it was worth it, whether it's what you really want. As it was, when I was a lecturer and a PhD student. Many times I felt like quitting due to the slightest reason.

I met different people for different reasons since 1997. I must have done something right to enable me to meet these people who became my friends and close confidante. I would not have survived or made it without these people. My mother backed me up all the way and never pressured me.

The long release has to happen in order for you to gain strength and purpose, because you only have this life to give.

Yesterday the 14th of March 2009

Skipping Things:

I have been skipping things, but I have my reasons. I want to be inspired every day. Not just once in awhile. I get inspired from interactions with my students, by doing my research or my NGO work. But this 'research culture camp'? Something is wrong when I came into the room. Registration... The speaker was uninspiring, the chairman was uninspiring... What do you think we are - robots? We don't want to be there!

Liverpool FC:

Every time I think of Liverpool FC, I want to cry. When I think of what transpired since 2004. The last 'Houllier Year' was tough. And then we had Rafa. Then Owen, Heskey and Murphy left. Then we won the Champion's League in Rafa's first year with a mediocre team. Gerrard almost left but he stayed. Now look at where we are. Pushing United and beating Real Madrid in the Champion's League. Gerrard now scoring the most goals! Torres inspired. Everything seems to fall into place.

Falling into Place:

I never had this for a long time. After all the hard work, everything seems to fall into place. Things fit, feelings calm and work is in progress. And today, Liverpool beat Manchester United 4-1. That is really the icing on the cake. I was so excited and I was making so much noise at the restaurant. It was pure joy!! I don't know how to describe this wondrous feeling of utter joy!

Our worldview

How we see ourselves is important because it makes us do the things we do. We interpret from experience what to do next. Our next move and actions are the result of our interpretation of things.

That's why religion and belief is instrumental in developing our worldview.

Embracing a belief system either it is based on a common and accepted religion or not happens to all of us. Even an atheist believes in a system, which could be purely scientific and evidence based.

Our worldview was shaped by forces within and without, meaning developed in ourselves through experience and conditioning and shaped by external and outside influences.

What we choose to do with ourselves involves a process of internalization and reflection and then we act upon these decisions that we made.

When people say that they cannot make decisions themselves, it is more like not wanting to accept the pain if anything goes wrong.

A positive worldview is needed for us to be people who could bring changes to lives of others.

The unexpectedness of things

You know how things are.
You try to bring a constant into your life.
It may be a companion or a friend or a hobby, whatever, some stability into your life.
Something to keep you going and look forward to the day.
When the day is done and dusted, you look forward to the next day.

We would sketch a plan for what's to come, but we will never know, what could be lurking around the corner? Or another way of putting it...the unexpectedness of things.

Actually you do expect these things to happen, but when it actually happened, there and then, you got surprised, probably because you are not ready or maybe because you thought those things should happen a long time ago or something like that.

Because you are used to having predictable events and going through the motions, and then when the 'thing' happens, which you had secretly wanted it to happen anyway, you sort of caught unawares and have to use your wits and wills about you to 'cope' with its presence in your life.

Well, this happened to me recently. I wanted to resist it but I knew it would happen when I am stressed. Things like this always happens when you are stressed.

Unbelievably I managed to make this 'constant' a part of my life now. Don't know how long it will last, but I am enjoying it actually.

Why I love teaching

Did you know that "teaching" gives me such a buzz. It gets me right there, especially when things fall into place.

It's exhilarating, energising, adrenaline pumping and 'you are ready for it' feeling if felt when what you do is translated to your students getting their confidence back. I wish I could psyche up all my students, but it also depends on the students whether they want to be psyche up. Whether they will be ready for the fight.

Crits and presentation are not easy, and it could really drag you to depths of disappointment and pull your self-confidence way down, so you need to get psychologised. Psyche up. It's either you doing it but someone else could do it for you.

It's crunch time for my design thesis students now and for the next 7 weeks.

Get ready for the fight!

Back to Work

Work. It's a four letter word.
It's not a bad word. But certainly something that I have not really concentrated on lately.
Not that I have been skiving, but maybe slacking.

I don't like past tense. Nor I want to dwell on the past.
I want to work differently now.
I want to work smart.

I have been inspired lately.
Obviously by getting through with my exam.
There is still some life in me to live it up.

I need to get back to work. Intensely.

What is my PhD for? (Part 2)

They called me "doctor" every where I go.

Technically I have not got the doctorate yet. It is to be approved in April 2009, that is, if I submit the thesis proper. So I am not jumping around with complete joy yet.

However, it is done and dusted.The difficult part. The PhD Viva examination was completed.
So what's the deal?

I asked earlier about what the PhD is for? Was it for glory and being called "doctor"?

I never sell short of myself and under-perform just because I did not get my thesis done earlier. I was the same as I am now. I am not elevated to some kind of wunderkind or got a higher status just because I passed my viva. Yes, it was a difficult process and I sort of "won" something.

Maybe I won my dignity back or maybe I won my self-esteem, but I did not hide behind things. I made my way around and gave my two cents worth. I tried to put my unfinished thesis aside and concentrated on what is at hand. I did not shy away from other responsibilities but there were times when I had to reduce them.

Yes, I survived those years of not being able to finish my thesis. I functioned fully as a lecturer and contributed to other causes.

My PhD is for me, my mother, my late father, my family, my friends and my students.

The thing is about this PhD, it has assured me that I can write. It gave me immense satisfaction for my writing skills, although it's non-fiction. But at least, I was given good comments on my writing.

I want to keep on writing as it is some positive and affirming. My PhD was so that I could now say that I could author a book. For many more exciting moments to come.

Back in Malaysia

I cannot deny that I am relishing the feeling of "freedom" after getting through my PhD viva exam on the 28 January 2008 with minor corrections.
I feel my burden being thrown off my shoulders, my despair being flushed down by the rains that greeted me in Malaysia and the exhilaration of the final push towards my destiny - very strong feelings indeed.My PhD years were very tumultuous although there were pockets calm which I learned so much from. I was steering my metaphorical ship through very choppy waters of my life.Nevertheless, as with all great struggles, you gain most. And I did, in terms of insight and lessons learned. They were gifts from God that was unbelievable and I did not expect them. I did not expect anything of that magnitude.

What I really want

I never publicly tell anyone what I really want.
I have mentioned in another blog that I wanted to be the "best trainer", but you will only believe it when it happens. And it was more of a rallying call to spur me on. However, I do want to be a very good trainer at the very least although it may not be what I really want.

So what do I really want.

Here we go:

Q: Do I want to be the Dean of the faculty? A: No
Q: Do I want to be the VC of U. Malaya? A: No
Q: Do I want to be a famous political blogger? A: No

Hmm...better change the line of questions...

Q: Do I want to be a famous writer? A: Yes. I want to be like Annie Proulx where people adapt your book into movies.

My God...do I really want that? I actually want that, but my writing sucks. Then I will never get it cause I am being so negative. But "they say" that you can get what you want.

(Reflect. Think....)

I want to be a writer. I want it bad.

In England again

I don't know how many times I have checked through the British borders.

The first time I arrived at Heathrow Airport, it was September 1985. I was 23 years old. I dragged my bags to the Victoria train station trying to get the coach to Leicester.
Leicester was home to me for the next two years. But I was not inspired by the town, although I enjoyed the market in the city centre. I frequented London every two weeks and my weekends were filled with laughter and the feelings of closeness with my friends in Shepperd's Bush. I loved London, so I managed to get my Part 1 training year job at Store Street, five minutes walk to the AA School of Architecture. Most evenings were filled with attending lectures at the AA given by, as I recalled Thom Mayne of Morphosis, Hermann Hertzberger, Peter Cook, Zaha Hadid etc. I continued with my RIBA Part 2 education in London at the Polytechnic of North London. My mentor, Steve Lightbody, who was an associate at Rock Townsend when I did my Part 1 gave me insights on how to be a better designer. These times were the best years when I was in London as I was flourishing both spiritually and mentally. I came into 4th year (1st year at North London) with passion and designed like there was no limitation and the lecturers just let me be. I graduated with a distinction although my 5th year was frought with difficulties in the middle of it. I left in 1991 and returned to London to do my masters at UCL in 1995-96. The year that I spent was not that great as I was in transition then, physically and mentally. My mid 30s were not the best years of my life. But I guess it was necessary in the Plan of things to come. Maybe, most of my 30s were spent in Malaysia and only 2 years in England compared to my 6 years when I was in my 20s?

I spent 3 1/2 years in England in my early 40s. This time I decided to go to Salford, near Manchester. I would say that my stay in England this time was at the very least extremely influential when my development as a person eclipsed when I finally came to terms with myself, spiritually, mentally and physically. The year 2005, my 3rd year doing PhD was so eventful in my life, that when I come to think of that year, I was greatly blessed. The breakthrough that I had was tantamount to me fighting my biggest fear and with it came a responsibility that I never thought I would have to do, which I accepted and still am coming to terms with.

England is my spiritual home, my beginning of many things, and I am proud of this surrogate country of mine, for it bore witness to the many milestones in my life.

So here I am in England again, facing another huge challenge. Facing my truth, yet again.

Expectations kills you

It happens every time.
When you have your hopes high.
And when you expects too much.
From other people.
Because expectations kills you.
You cannot expect from other people to fulfill your wants.
They owe you nothing.
If they give anything to you, it is from their hearts.
You cannot force people to live up to your expectations.
You just hope for the best.
And enjoy and be blessed with whatever that is been Given.
Because you don't own anyone.
It's just the way it is.

To be what you want to be

When I was younger, it was difficult to be what I want to be. I had to break down barriers, within myself, my beliefs and my fears. Don't get me wrong. I am a Muslim more now than ever, but it is different now. I don't mimic any more. I do because I want to.

But we must always be grateful. Clean the slate of ourselves now and then. Purify. So that we could be clearer with our goals. We need to be some where we want to be.

The Chance to be Heroes

"Give yourself the chance
to be heroes."

(Rafa Benitez – Half time.
Ataturk Stadium. Istanbul.
25th May 2005)

How many of us give ourselves the chance to be heroes?
To be a hero is to be inspired in the highest level of competition.
Why must we compete?
We compete for ourselves to become better than we are.

To be a hero is to be against all odds. And to show up, stand and fight.

Facing the Truth

I am about to face the truth about my PhD Thesis.
I will just have to be strong and pray to God and submit to whatever that will happen...

Fighting Spirit

Where do our thoughts come from?

The Will of God Created us and with it comes the human being that is us, with thoughts and the will to preserve and move forward and flourish and so on...

Somehow that was nurtured by conditions and parental love.

All matter and spirit come from God and human beings are the best example of perfection of all His creations but somehow also the most flawed.

To be able to be a vessel to be energised and expand oneself somehow needs a progressive element, push, desire, will, something to propel us forward, but actually it is not a something linear but cyclical. Something like pouring and receiving. Emptying and silence and then filled and pregnant... like a life force of beauty...

The fighting spirit is the momentum that spearhead the will and desire to fill in and empty out... the momentum could also be a trigger or impetus.

What is my PhD for?

I asked my mother just now "What is my PhD for?" I asked her because I was not serious in my preparation for my viva. I keep on doing other things. And I think I did a lousy thesis. I was really not confident about my thesis. I needed some strength from somewhere...so I asked my mother.

So my mother said "For your mom and dad." So I cried because I had never been a good daughter to them both and the only thing I got now is to give them this.

My mother added that "Remember when your father had to do his PhD and the difficulties he had. You had no problem, only some glitches here and there. Think about your friends and how they had to cope while juggling with their family and problems." My mother would further elaborate.

But the point was that I am so exhausted about the whole thing. I wanted my mother to remind me why I did the PhD.

I need to get back to the fighting spirit. To defend my thesis. Like I have been harping to my students to do. I have to do the same.

I have to think that I have something to contribute to the body of knowledge and that I had something worthwhile done. And that it was not wasting time, wasting paper and money.

I have to get the fighting spirit back, and that was why I have been this way.

Going through the Motion

I don't like this at all. The feeling of dread and having to face the viva exam. I am beginning to freak out or am feeling rather nervous. I should be studying but I have tons of work to complete or maybe I am making excuses not to study.

I think about this PhD and its importance to me. Somehow it is suppose to be important to my career, but I am not feeling that. I was just so relieved that my supervisor excepted my submission which probably if I pass, have a million corrections for me to do. Probably I will have to take a year to do it, but that is the least of my worry, as I have been doing that all along...editing, correcting, over and over again. That part is fine. What is not fine is my overall state of mind. I feel that I am really tired - mentally. Is it a burn-out? I don't think so as I am constantly with ideas on my work as an architectural educationist. I am tired with tedium and going through the motion. At times I feel to be not motivated. I do things because I have to. I have to scare myself to do things.

Like, as lecturer, I tell myself, "This kid is failing, so I better say something..." or " The Council need some recommendations, I need to say something..."

Like what my student said, "Better said, than done." I am in the business of talking so I have to talk, but sometimes I wish I did not have to talk.

I don't know what I've said

Choices that we could have made
Wasn't thinking from my head
Tell me if I am wrong
Tired of singing the old song

Could it be that I've forgotten
Will you ask me again the question
I was not thinking from my head
I don't know what I have said

Mid life crisis

Mid life crisis does not necessarily happens when you are 50. It is not 100 divide by two. People have got it wrong.

It can happen any time in your life.

A 10 year old kid can have a mid life crisis, but perhaps that would be a mild one because his memory of himself started at 3 and a half...

I am having some sort of a crisis. I am not sure if its mid life, but the symptoms are very much in keeping with the definition of one.

For example, I am asking basic questions about: what am I doing? And, I keep seeing myself when I was 13 and 25, not at this age.

I never actually grew up. I just numbed myself through the pain of having to grow older. I am just holding my breath and breeze through my life, wanting to see everything with fresh eyes again and again.

Finding you

Finding you

Anonymous faces
Looking for the one
How long am I going to be this 13 year old kid
I waited this long because of you
You had to be real
You can never be a fantasy
You had to be some kind of a stranger
Finding you was not easy
Found you when I found me
Finding me was even harder