Midnight Post

What really matter? I ask you that question.
I ask myself that question.

And when I do, I can find myself again. The centre point, the point of reflection, the focus of introspection, the way forward, the reality ...

Despair was reflected in the song 'Bohemian Rhapsody' when Freddy Mercury sang the last verse, " Nothing really matter, anyone can see, nothing really matter, nothing really matter to me...take me where the wind blows..."

Is it frightening? Is it sad? When nothing really matter. Like when there is no purpose...in life.
All my life I had pushed myself to strive for a purpose.

So when I stare at this thing called PhD, which I am suppose to purposefully complete, I stare at despair, emptiness and a big void.

It is that paper at the end of the day that says, 'You have a doctorate'. You have got the ticket to go places!
You want to see that piece of paper in your hand. You want your mother and family to be happy. You want your loved ones to be proud of you. You want your friends to feel good for you. You want your colleagues to know you have proved your point.

No, the paper is not in my hand.

I stare at my empty hands. I stare at space. What am I focusing at?

What really matter?

Is the PhD what really matter?

You see when all your energy is brought into action to chase after this paper. When all your attention is FORCED to focus on this endeavour, you feel spent. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually...

Somehow, I do NOT think that PhD is what really matter.

I think to be a better person is what really matter. To be able to make things happen for the benefit of good. To turn things round and make things clearer. To be able to create things.

And if PhD happens to make you want to do that, then perhaps, it is worth it.
It would be worthwhile doing your PhD.

Whether you get the paper or not is another story.